My Son's Problem Now

I'm always, always hoping that with prayers my problems will lessen, if not disappear. Instead, they increased. Now my son has enlarged goiter and the doctor says it needs biopsy to see if it's cancerous or not. We're praying it's not. My son complains of pains in the neck and weakening of his body. His health also seems to fail because he gets fevers sometimes.

Picture above by Chunry.

I was hoping that the problems would diminish with prayers and petitions and intercessions for my son. It didn't. Everything is just plain frustration. Why pray when no answer seems coming. I have been praying for my two sons, that they become genuinely born again and become deep in the Word and in their experience of God and serve him. I've been praying since they were babies, and have been doing it daily. As they grew up I prayed for them and excited to see them know the Lord. I was hoping that what God did to me and my wife would be multiplied 10 times in our sons.

Nothing like that happened, and they're now young adults. My oldest son, the one with enlarged goiter, is now 30 and my younger is 24, yet in college with 4 subjects left prior to graduating. They still have no heart for the Lord or his Word. My oldest son's two baby daughters also often get sick. This is why he keeps losing his job. When his babies get sick he has to skip work and take care of them, often lose sleep doing it, and feel weakened the next day. His live-in partner supposedly has heart disease and cannot work or take care of their babies alone by herself. As a result, we often have to help financially, but we're unable.

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I have often urged them to get married, and my son likes the idea, but they do not have money even for a simply wedding officiated by a judge for lesser expense. I also suggested a wedding done by a pastor-friend of mine to further lessen the cost. But we don't have money even for that. We're broke, and I wonder why God's promises on provisions in the bible, which I seriously believe, aren't working for us. 

My wife and I literally live now on handouts from people around. We're given some groceries now and then and make that last until another bunch of groceries are given us. We look for things to sell and get our cash from that, particularly for paying bills. I try to sell health products online (been doing it for years now) but sales are down. I mean, I made only 2 sales, I think. I keep promoting on FB daily, but organic traffic is unreliable I cannot use FB ads or boosts because my FB account is perpetually banned from ads. A long time ago, when I was new to FB ads, I did a lot of errors FB didn't like. 

So, I'm really almost out of options.

Thank God my wife is employed as a school nurse at a grade school a walking distance from us, and it's really a big blessing. Thank GOD for it. We really prayed hard about it and God granted it to her. However, her pay is not enough for us because we pay our big debts gradually which makes her monthly pay almost null. I really have to make money, but being 66, no one will hire me here in Manila, and my only chance is to find a way to make money online.

I love meditating on God's Word and spending quiet times with him. I love it when I see his promises in the bible---and I believe the all---but the thing is, I want to experience them. Where are his promises? He says, I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Where is that? How come I have never had that, and I'm 66. I was born again in 1980 and entered full-time pastorate in 1997. 

Nothing.

I thank GOD for the blessings that trickle down to us, but what I want to experience is the plan to prosper me, give me hope and a future. The abundant life he promised. 

Long Time No Write: How's Everything?

My last enttry was on February 21, 2017. Some 8 years ago. I almost lost track of this blog, forgot the email and password. But thank GOD I remembered and had the urge to write here again. I still struggle a lot, and when I do I feel like writing. I have other blogs but they're inspirational. I needed something where I could pour out the bitterness of my heart. And then I remembered Lil Job.

Bitterness? It seems inappropriate to have inspirational blogs and ebooks but have bitterness in your soul. Well, even Job had bitterness and frustrations. A lot of Psalms in the bible are about bitterness. Paul pleaded or "begged" about his thorn in the flesh three times. And Jesus cried his feeling of abandonment on the cross. You can be inspirational and yet aggrieved or resentful. And you need to pour out your heart somewhere, some way. Sometime.

Jesus poured his lots of times.

Anyway, I still struggle a lot from heaviess of heart and the madness of trials and difficulties, all amid moments of inspiration and joy. I still wonder why hardships need to come, although I know why. Yet I wonder. Severe trials, they say, are given for good reasons--to grow you, strengthen you, make you mature, make you lean more on GOD, make you humble, make you realize things, etc. But I think all these can be possible without severe trials that make you lose faith, lose your mind and want to give up than grow in faith. Nothing is impossible with GOD, and I believe he can help you with everything without making you suffer first.

Jesus did say that picking up our cross daily is a must. I understand that, but what I cannot understand is continuous suffering that seems meaningless, and you're given only some lull moments before another storm is sent your way. And then you're given scant blessings. They say count your blessings and you will have no more time to think of your problems. But I need to be honest. I don't want to tell lies and I'm tired of denying what's really happening in real life. There's really scant or little blessings and this has been so for the past many years, even decades.

With spiritual blessings, I can't count the blessings with their large numbers. I am so blessed. Meditating one verse pours lots of revelation on me, like the gate valve of a huge dam has been opened. The floodgates of heaven bursts out wisdom, and I'm talking of radical and unusual revelations that I haven't heard of before. This is why I find no one on earth (so far) I can have myself discipled or mentored because when I listen to them they all just say the same things being said decades ago. Nothing new. 

Worse, they just say smart, earthly things in ministry. Nothing more. Boring. I hate earthly smart.

When somethng is alive and growing it should bear new fruits in season, not bear the same old fruit for all time which age has rendered wrinkled dry and rotten. Even religious posts on FB are all just the same year in and year out, as if the bible has nothing more to say than the usual. Sunday sermons are the same. You know what really bores me? Sermons that use acronyms. They bore me to death. They say it makes people remember details easily. Maybe. But they do nothing but bore me. Anyway, Jesus or the apostles or prophets didn't use acronyms. 

My latest trial is my eldest son. I don't know what happened, but since he was a baby I had been praying for him, especially that GOD would call him to a powerful apostolic ministry, the kind you see in the Gospel and Book of Acts. I did that every day and exposed him to the WORD, he and his younger brother. But they both grew up without deep love for the Word and serious panting for GOD's presence. Today, my eldest gives me serious problems. He respects me and tries to be good, but he gets himself into troubles and affects us (I and my wife) and our ministry. 

About 10 years ago he got his GF pregnant and I urged them to get married. I don't believe in forcing people to do something for GOD. I want them to act willingly and through a revelation to them. I prayed for them and urged them about marriage. He told me they were planning for it and both wanted to finish their studies first. My son took good care of their child while the girl pursued her studies. They lived separately because they were not yet married. He assured me their relationship was stable and they were both enriching it. I thought it was like that all the time.

But after 7 years he told me her GF dumped him due to some serious misunderstandings and the girl wanted him out of her life for good. But my son disguised that day as a final day for discussing their wedding. He told me he'd visit his GF to bring her flowers because it was their anniversary and wedding planning. He even showed me the flowers and asked if the bouquet looked good enough. I said yes excitedly. But later, when he returned home, he looked so heavy-hearted. He told me the whole story. It was supposed to be the last day that he'd try to convince the girl to continue their relationship, but the girl turned him down, for good. 

Since then, my son changed and the problems started. 

Continued here...

My Urgent Prayers Remain Unanswered for Years

It takes so long before my prayers get answered, but many of them do get answered. My parents were saved before they died, and I prayed for that for years--almost 20 years probably. And I so thank God for that. And many other things.

Well, a lot of other prayers get answered on the spot--like when in many cases you, Lord, led me to pray for the sick and those tortured by demons. Or when signs and wonders needed to happen, like commanding nature in Your Name. Thank you, Lord, so much! I praise You! Plus the other answers to prayers that the human eyes and awareness cannot notice or comprehend.

However, there are many requests that remain pending--and these are urgent requests. Like my arrhythmia palpitation which I have been praying for years and is very, very urgent. Our finances which is always short of what we need and which makes us incur loans which we haven't paid for years--but which we've been praying for. And many others like that.

And yet, other people easily get what we pray for for years. And I doubt if they ever prayed for them. If they did, they prayed to their gods. And yet, they so easily get their finances and continuously at that. I'm sure I'm not envious of them. I just want my prayers answered. May God continue to bless them, but please Lord, bless me and my wife, too.

Some may say, what may look urgent to us may not be to God. I used to think this way, but I don't believe this anymore. It's urgent because God's Word says we should not let any debt remain outstanding. And it's his will that we pay our debts and bills and buy the things necessary for living with our own money. What we pray for are urgent, even in God's eyes. I don't believe it's God's will that his servants beg or borrow money.

But for some reason, the prayers remain stacked and buried in the files. Meanwhile, we make loans and borrow money and our lenders mock and insult us, even treat us with disdain. And termites destroy our house.

Corrupt people and those who are arrogant and boastful continue to be blessed with money. And many of them are even church people. No matter what wickedness they do, they seem to be favored. They have money and their ministries grow big.

"I've seen a wicked and ruthless man flourishing like a green tree in its native soil..." [Ps.37].

While here I am, believing with all my heart about your teachings, Lord Jesus, on holiness, meekness, simplicity, patience, kindness and humility, and yet nothing seems to happen in our lives (my wife and I) except be in debt, lack, and suffer the insults and cruelty of those who have money. What do I want to happen in our lives? Simple things--be out of debt, have a small decent house, send my kids to school, and help other people so they can know the Lord. That's all. And I want all these to be given by God directly, not through people who will only control our lives in the end.

Not that my principle in life is based on the money value system. I have shun that a long time because I want your glory, Lord. I don't value people for their money. But the fact remains that I need money. We need to buy food and pay bills and pay debts and send my kids to school. I now even have a grandson (he's cute, praise God!) to take care because my son is yet unemployed. And here and there I see the wicked flourishing while the righteous lack many things and get mocked and insulted and ridiculed for it--even by people close to us, even by blood relations.

It's amazing how even Christian believers and church leaders around us mock us for believing your Word and keeping ourselves away from worldliness and materialism. They preach the Word but deep inside them, they hate the Word. And they get blessed materially for it. Their ministries are even made colorful, praised by men. While the discipleship-fathering church ministry you gave me isn't growing--even if I and my wife keep praying for it.

What's your plan for me and my wife, Lord? Are we just for humiliation--experimented like guinea pigs? We believe and are humiliated, proven wrong by those who mock your Word.

When will you fully take pity on us, Lord? Why do you hold back blessings? Why are you frugal in providing for us? That has been my impression--when it comes to us, you release your blessings in trickles. With other people, even those who enjoy sin, you open your floodgates. I know the impression is wrong--I always believe your Word even if experience doesn't look it. Then why don't you correct the wrong impression I have and make everything according to the truth you make me see in your Word?

But my final decision is to hang on to you, Lord. I and my house will stick to your Name and Word as long as we live--regardless of how ridiculous and in lack our lives are--even if people around us treat us like garbage. But please, help us Lord. Rescue us. Make our righteousness shine like the dawn and the justice of the cause you gave me like the noon day sun.

By the way, I praise God for good health for all of us!

I believe with my heart that better the little that the righteous have than the wealth of many wicked, but we need to pay bills and loans. We need basic material things. Your Word also says, "the wicked borrow and do not repay. But the righteous give generously." Enable us to pay all our debts, Lord. The way it is today, the wicked are the ones who can give generously--and then hold people hostage who receive their generosity. They shout at us and treat us like trash. They put us down and laugh at us.

It's been like that for years, for decades. I and my wife have been praying, but our other urgent prayers remain unanswered for years. Why Lord? What's wrong?