My last enttry was on February 21, 2017. Some 8 years ago. I almost lost track of this blog, forgot the email and password. But thank GOD I remembered and had the urge to write here again. I still struggle a lot, and when I do I feel like writing. I have other blogs but they're inspirational. I needed something where I could pour out the bitterness of my heart. And then I remembered Lil Job.
Bitterness? It seems inappropriate to have inspirational blogs and ebooks but have bitterness in your soul. Well, even Job had bitterness and frustrations. A lot of Psalms in the bible are about bitterness. Paul pleaded or "begged" about his thorn in the flesh three times. And Jesus cried his feeling of abandonment on the cross. You can be inspirational and yet aggrieved or resentful. And you need to pour out your heart somewhere, some way. Sometime.
Jesus poured his lots of times.
Anyway, I still struggle a lot from heaviess of heart and the madness of trials and difficulties, all amid moments of inspiration and joy. I still wonder why hardships need to come, although I know why. Yet I wonder. Severe trials, they say, are given for good reasons--to grow you, strengthen you, make you mature, make you lean more on GOD, make you humble, make you realize things, etc. But I think all these can be possible without severe trials that make you lose faith, lose your mind and want to give up than grow in faith. Nothing is impossible with GOD, and I believe he can help you with everything without making you suffer first.
Jesus did say that picking up our cross daily is a must. I understand that, but what I cannot understand is continuous suffering that seems meaningless, and you're given only some lull moments before another storm is sent your way. And then you're given scant blessings. They say count your blessings and you will have no more time to think of your problems. But I need to be honest. I don't want to tell lies and I'm tired of denying what's really happening in real life. There's really scant or little blessings and this has been so for the past many years, even decades.
With spiritual blessings, I can't count the blessings with their large numbers. I am so blessed. Meditating one verse pours lots of revelation on me, like the gate valve of a huge dam has been opened. The floodgates of heaven bursts out wisdom, and I'm talking of radical and unusual revelations that I haven't heard of before. This is why I find no one on earth (so far) I can have myself discipled or mentored because when I listen to them they all just say the same things being said decades ago. Nothing new.
Worse, they just say smart, earthly things in ministry. Nothing more. Boring. I hate earthly smart.
When somethng is alive and growing it should bear new fruits in season, not bear the same old fruit for all time which age has rendered wrinkled dry and rotten. Even religious posts on FB are all just the same year in and year out, as if the bible has nothing more to say than the usual. Sunday sermons are the same. You know what really bores me? Sermons that use acronyms. They bore me to death. They say it makes people remember details easily. Maybe. But they do nothing but bore me. Anyway, Jesus or the apostles or prophets didn't use acronyms.
My latest trial is my eldest son. I don't know what happened, but since he was a baby I had been praying for him, especially that GOD would call him to a powerful apostolic ministry, the kind you see in the Gospel and Book of Acts. I did that every day and exposed him to the WORD, he and his younger brother. But they both grew up without deep love for the Word and serious panting for GOD's presence. Today, my eldest gives me serious problems. He respects me and tries to be good, but he gets himself into troubles and affects us (I and my wife) and our ministry.
About 10 years ago he got his GF pregnant and I urged them to get married. I don't believe in forcing people to do something for GOD. I want them to act willingly and through a revelation to them. I prayed for them and urged them about marriage. He told me they were planning for it and both wanted to finish their studies first. My son took good care of their child while the girl pursued her studies. They lived separately because they were not yet married. He assured me their relationship was stable and they were both enriching it. I thought it was like that all the time.
But after 7 years he told me her GF dumped him due to some serious misunderstandings and the girl wanted him out of her life for good. But my son disguised that day as a final day for discussing their wedding. He told me he'd visit his GF to bring her flowers because it was their anniversary and wedding planning. He even showed me the flowers and asked if the bouquet looked good enough. I said yes excitedly. But later, when he returned home, he looked so heavy-hearted. He told me the whole story. It was supposed to be the last day that he'd try to convince the girl to continue their relationship, but the girl turned him down, for good.
Since then, my son changed and the problems started.
