Don't take me wrong. I'm not a life hater. It's just that at times, I hate life...life in this world, that is. Especially when it gets so unfair to the max. Is this all there is to my life? Sometimes I sigh to think when I hate life. All this while I watch the others live normal lives. Yeah, I want a radical life, extreme in faith--but I also want to live normally, I mean without crazy stuff that makes me say, What kind of life is this?
When I hate life I feel so defeated and mocked. I feel so down and out. But somehow I hang on to God. This is one of the biggest miracles in my life. I never let go of God's hand. He gives me strength for that. I feel so down and out, and yet I hang on, still hopping the best from him. In my most trying moments--feeling so demolished--my first tendency is to grab my bible, go out somewhere quiet, where I'm alone, and open my heart to his Word. Sometimes, I do that with a languid spirit--like I want to give up. Not give HIM up, but to give up everything else. Not give up my life, but to give up everything I'm doing--like ministry.
God gave me a small ministry--a bible study discipleship. My wife and I are excited about it. I see great visions for it. It's a radical and extreme Jesus-style discipleship I pray would blossom and spread like wildfire everywhere. I believe God is leading it to be among his instruments today that would pave the way to a genuine Jesus church, without spot or wrinkle or any other blemish, a re-creation of the Acts church, only this one radiates from glory to glory.
But recently, some disciples are giving up on Jesus. They opted to live like the world--committing sexual immorality like the heathens do. This, after the deep revelations Jesus showed us through my Word ministry. My core disciples--consisting of 4 couples--are beginning to be strengthened in Jesus but the rest are living like the enemy. I thank God for my core disciples, but I am so, so, so disappointed with the rest. May God have mercy on them on that Day.
And then I hear about ministry "successes" from so-called spiritual leaders who obviously have a demon of pride in them, using the ways of this world and acting very worldly about things. They have lots of money and boast about it. They are prospering. I don't care if they prosper and have more money. I'm never impressed by material possessions. But what's eating me is why God seems to deprive me. I don't desire to be like them, but I want God to prosper my spiritual ways, to prosper my ministry and life so I won't have to look like a beggar. I'm not a beggar, but proud people give me stuff like I'm a beggar. They give out of a degrading kind of pity.
I thank God for what proud people give me (because I look pitiful to them), but I want it to stop. I want to be prospered by God alone. I don't want to rely on people anymore. I want to rely directly from God. People even say I and my wife are paupers--and this came from a proud church minister. He denounced the way I desire the simple life of Jesus. He hated how I opt to live a simple life. He appreciates so much if a person works hard for money.
I don't care what people think about me. But I care so much what God gives me. God, I need you to give me a decent income--not to boast of it like the rest--but so I can quietly do your work more without being put down and raise up my family just relying fully on you. When I see these things not happening, that's when I hate life. That's when I go out and want to get lost for a while, sigh deeply, and just stare at God, wistfully.
There are many happy times with God. Oh, believe me, there are. Simple happy times with God and my family. We eat together and laugh, and we're so, so happy. We talk about God and laugh with him. It's more than living in man's mansions and material possessions. But when I see that our budget doesn't meet our expenses, that's when I hate life again. Yet, though I hate life in this world, I never lose love and fondness for my God and Savior, Jesus. Many times I hate life, but always love God.
But here's the curious thing--I seem to grow deeper in God when I hate life. I learn to appreciate just hanging on to him whatever comes, just resting my back on his huge, comforting palm--even if sometimes he doesn't answer my queries but just watches me. I cry to God and beg his mercy and grace, but sometimes all he does is watch me...and then he keeps showing me how he blesses the proud and the wicked. I don't know what he's up to.
I know that Jesus said somewhere that we must hate our lives in this world. Is this what he meant? But it seems it's getting too much. How about money we need to pay our bills with? I don't love money, but I need it for a good testimony. I hate borrowing money or making advances from my wife's pay (my wife gets a salary for teaching, while I get my income from the tithes of my disciples and from the internet). Moreover, I want to be able to help people in need, give them money or help them start a business, especially poor pastors. And I'd like to help family and relatives in need. That's why I ask for money, God.
Most of all, I want to invest on people's spiritual lives, especially young people, through special trainings and conferences, and this involves big money, my God, amounts of money you can easily provide for. You have put these desires in my heart. But when?
When I ask when, and it seems no answer is forthcoming, that's when I hate life again. But I always love God and hope in him alone.
