Where do you go when even God does not answer you? Where can you find God so you can really talk to him and tell him your case? Where do you turn when every way you take is a dead end? What do you do when everything you do fails?
And then you see promises of blessings everywhere in Scriptures. You are told not to worry for God knows what you need and will never leave or forsake you. So you expect in faith. Your hopes are stirred up. But then, after a long expectant wait, nothing happens.
You wait for years and still you get nothing.
Five, ten, fifteen, twenty years.....
I started praying for God to prosper my blogs and e-books since the early 2000s---perhaps as early as 2002. Daily I've been praying. It's 2017 and still nothing. I research about the right steps to take, listened to blog experts and bought their materials. I advertised on AdWords and Facebook, did every success formula I heard about, and prayed hard for good results.
Nothing.
I cannot find work anymore because of my age. I can no longer work in an office because my body can't stand stress from heavy traffic and the terrible pollution. I find work online writing for clients, but the pay is never enough. I and my wife struggle financially all the time, although we live happily and sweetly everyday, because our hope is in God. We always thank God for these blessings.
But then our sweet marriage and devotion to God cannot pay for our bills and other payables. We badly need God's financial blessings to pay for our debts and monthly expenses, for food, laundry, and everything. And we need lots of money to free ourselves from people in our lives who have money and control us and treat us like trash through our need for money.
I feel so frustrated when nothing happens. But what can I do? Shout at God or rebel? I cannot do that. He is God. All I can do is shake my head and feel so hurt about it all---feel so abandoned and neglected. I feel my life has been dumped in mud and trash and left there to rot. I feel my life has become like a game.
So often, I just look afar and try to melt my thoughts and let them float. At least that way, I can be free. I just wait for God---I don't know for what---either for something or nothing. Often, I wait on God for nothing.
But I'm aware that God provides for our basic needs, like the air we breathe. He comes to supply a little bit more once we run out of supplies. Our fridge can still make the water in our pitchers cold. It still produces ice. There's still water from the faucet and electricity to turn the lights on and make the PC work.
We still have some funds to pay for the Internet connection. And our old, dilapidated house still provides a roof over our heads and walls (though some have been badly damaged by termites) to keep us warm during cold nights. Our blankets (though dirty now because we lack money for the laundry) still keep us warm in the cold nights of January and February.
And we can still buy cheap food. Well, some nice people treat us for lunch or dinner out now and then, so we get to taste good food those times. We're not like poor street people who really have nothing---but then I cannot celebrate that fact. I cannot "thank God that I'm not like them," because I also wonder how these poor folks are doing. Instead, I ask God about them, too. I include them in my complaints and prayers. Why do we have this life?
I feel that everything's hanging by a thread, which can snap anytime. While my neighbors' problems are where they can park their many expensive cars and how they can further improve their beautiful houses. They look for things to buy or places to go because their problem is where to take their excess money.
