Help that doesn't come. It seems life is like that. All my life it seems I've been asking God for help that does not come. Sometimes some form of help comes--help you didn't ask for--but most times you don't get the help you need and ask for.
Worse, what's given you are what you never asked for. My teenage and young adult life was crushed and demolished by a stupid life of acne and big and stubborn pimples, not just on the face but all over the body. I never asked for that, I never needed them, but it was given me in abundance. I asked for things I really needed--things too easy and simple to be given me, but I was just given deaf ears and a shrugged of the shoulder.
And now my son is getting it, too. I've fervently asked that he be spared of it--it's something God can so easily grant, with his graciousness and compassion. And yet my sons suffers for it, too. For what? It's not funny. Your whole life can be wrecked by this problem, like how it did mine. And I still get it now and then--and what for?
I used to have perfect smooth skin and handsome, as my son also used to have (my son is still handsome), but a skin prescription by a doctor crushed my life one day. It started the horrible and stupid acnes. All my college days--and beyond--were destroyed. I never enjoyed what ordinary young people enjoy in their teenage adventures--all the fun and romance and the good life. I was kept inside my room for years--kept by God there! It's a good thing I was able to get by--with help from God, too.
And it's not just about acnes. It's about a life of not getting the help you need and asked for, but getting stupid things you never never, even once, prayed for. Most people get problems out of their own doing. They do silly things and suffer the consequence. But they're very seldom punished severely. Sometimes, they're not punished at all. They just keep living a good life and doing the silly things and even get promoted in life.
I seldom get problems of my own making. Most of them are just thrown at me for no reasons--probably out of mere whim. Sometimes I feel it's some kind of a game to mess up my life. You get things you don't need and never asked for--like these stupid termites that is ruining our house, and then you don't get enough income to have something to repair it with. Your income is intentionally limited so that you don't get what you need. What for?
I and my dear wife--we were really created for each other (I thank God for her)--try our best to earn more despite our limited lives together, and we so pray hard for it, but our petitions are just ignored. We don't ask to be like the rich and famous. We just want money to repair our dilapidated house, get the kids to school, get a health card, have food on the table, and be debt free, relying on no one for finances and supplies except on God. And I and my wife love helping other people in need. God made us like that. These are definitely NOT hard to grant, considering nothing is impossible to God who is rich.
Yet, we are given nothing, except little things--things easily consumed within the day--or a day or two--or probably three ;). Well, little things we get from God we're really thankful for, but we know he can definitely do and give a lot more. Oh, he can, definitely. But he doesn't do it. It's like he likes pushing us into a corner, limiting everything in our lives. While all around us God blesses people with lots of money they just spend to pamper themselves. We get lots of problems that need finances for fixing, and yet we're given so little finances.
It says in the Word that God supplies everything. We believe that. But it's not what's happening. Lots of times we have to make salary advances that mount up. We have to borrow money. We have to tell our kids we don't have money for what little things they're asking for. We can't have a lot of broken things in the house fixed because we don't have the money--while all around us God gives money to people for building their mansions with. We're not asking for a mansion--we're asking simply that our little house (it looks like a pigeon house) be fixed for a little bit more of comfort. We sleep on a rotten mattress on a wooden floor destroyed by termites, termites we never asked for but given us. At least, with most people, they're given termites--and the money needed to get rid of them and build a new house with.
We've been asking for YEARS, but nothing comes.
At times, my wife and I, in our moments of resting together in our room and sharing, discuss about how from childhood we've been deprived. Our parents were both good and hard-working, but we've both experienced being too limited as to make do with what we can fix a bit to still be usable. We both experienced wearing shoes with terrible holes to school, one worn out uniform we washed daily so we can have something to wear the next day, ignore hunger because we didn't have enough money, etc., while friends around us enjoyed the good life, having everything they needed well provided for. In all these, it is God who appoints what kind of life one has.
Some people try to counsel us, people who never experienced what we're experiencing. They live the good life. They can buy anything they want, anytime. And yet they want to teach us about life. I and my wife just keep mum about it. These people think they know everything. They never listen. They have ready formula for your problems--mostly things they themselves never apply to their lives, like pray. They tell you to pray more. Hahaha.
And then there's this heart palpitation problem I have. There's no reason why I should have it, but it's there. I never asked for it, never abused my health--in fact I'm a health buff exercising regularly, eating healthy food, but then I get this stupid palpitations. For years doctors and specialists could not figure out what was wrong with me. I get normal and healthy test results each time. Then recently one young heart doctor got it. I have too much electricity in my heart. That is ridiculous....what am I, your friendly neighborhood Electric Man? He said it'd take P250,000 to have the problem cured for good. My heart palpitation is nothing serious, it's not life threatening, he assures us. He gave me a mild maintenance med to control my palpitations. It seems to be working, thank God.
So where am I gonna get the P250,000?
And why should I get the palpitations while people around me who abuse their health right and left don't get it? I don't wish them to get it, too. My point is, if they don't have it, I shouldn't have it all the more! I do deep breathing on early mornings, while these people do deep cigarette smoking early mornings, and yet I have palpitations and they don't. It's all really stupid. Yeah, sure, they may end up with lung cancer later (sometimes they don't), but they get to suffer for their foolishness only in the end, while I have been suffering for these stupid palpitations since I can remember and which I never asked for or abused my body to end up with it. You see these alcoholic and smoke addicts enjoying an active life without worrying about silly palpitations. I even see some of them building powerful muscles.
I love to workout. I used to lift weights and get my muscles puffed up and well defined. But because of palpitations and a muscle trauma, I've been limited to slight workouts, like aerobics. I'm trying to bring my push-ups back without harm to myself. There are a lot of stupid things I feel when I try to workout more. I used to do 300 push ups. But gradually, when I did them (or even a few push ups) I feel frighteningly too weak and dizzy. I don;t know why. I was once rushed to the ER and when they checked me up, they found every test normal. So, what's wrong with me? One doctor suggested muscle trauma. Okay, so why should I have that while other people don't? I mean, what did I do so wrong that I have to be punished with that?
I see lots of people who workout and build good muscles just to look super sexy and make illicit sex with women, or promote a promiscuity culture, or promote sexual immorality. And God gives them what they want. I workout for good health and to glorify God, and I'm given this really stupid palpitation and muscle trauma and other conditions I cannot explain but which really affects me badly. Well, I thank God for the normal test results I get despite what I feel.
Each day I pray for provisions, full provisions, and each day I wake up with hope and expectations, smiling at God for what he would and could do, though my life experience so far has been trying to erode all hopes and my faith. Still, I tell my wife, we should cling to God's Word, not experiences. But honestly, I feel God is making fun of my life. I don't know what he's up to. And the fun isn't funny anymore.
When I was young--it started in grade 6, I think--I wrote my diaries. I had notebooks filled with events in my life, sad and happy. I think I had 7 of them. They're piled somewhere in the boxes my wife keeps in one of three small rooms we have--rooms that look like an elf's rooms. With the internet, yesterday I decided to write a blog about my thoughts--just to pour out everything. I need to write about them. It makes me release the bad and take in the good.
Often I feel sorry for my wife and kids, having brought them to suffer with me in this kind of life. But strange enough, we're happy and always laughing and enjoying lots of fun together at home, sharing openly, and hoping in God in the face of lack. God gives us a strong sense of humor. And the kids--2 boys--are growing up in the fear of God. Nonetheless, fun like that is always good but they cannot pay for our monthly bills and buy food and what we need.
Oh, help us God.....so, when?
