It seems like since my youth, I've always taken the back seat, always treated last. Even today, like when getting a cab, I and my wife are often given the last. We would stand there trying to get a cab for a long time, but nothing comes. Then some people would come and get a cab so easily, just like that. I bet they didn't have to pray for a cab, and they're immediately given one. While it takes me long prayers and aching feet and legs before a cab is sent my way.
I remember back in college when I would wait for a public jeep for hours and hours. All the jeeps that came were full with passengers. I kept praying and praying that God in His mercy would send me a miracle--a jeep with one vacant seat--because I was already too exhausted. I attended evening classes and was too tired and hungry to stay waiting and standing trying to get a ride.
Also, my stubborn and abnormally big acnes were making me too uncomfortable and distressed. I felt very ashamed being seated with other people in a jeep, and looking like that--full of acnes on my face and neck and nape. Acnes that sometimes even oozed with puss, and I had to hide all that from people while trying to get a ride home. Imagine going to class with such acnes, attending classes with them, and going home with the same. those were harrowing days and nights. Later, I had to give up college altogether because of worsened acnes all over my face, neck, and back.
I would cry out to God just to give me a ride home, but it seemed that my cries fell on deaf ears. I would stay there standing and waiting for hours, while the rest just got rides so easily, like a piece of cake. They didn't have to pray hard for it, and ride was promptly provided for them. I prayed and begged God, but I was served last. I was always last of all. Others were given priority. And yet, I was a born again Christian then, dedicated to God and His Word. I was always amazed by the Word of God.
One day, I and my wife accompanied my mom to the doctor for a check up. After the check up, we found it hard to get a cab--again. As usual, others got cabs easily but we had to walk for long distances--and pray hard--to get a cab. I was praying that God have mercy on my mom, who was then about 85. Did she have to walk long distances, with a weak, defective heart? But my petition seemed to have fallen on deaf ears--as usual.
As we were walking the long, long avenue trying to get a cab, another mom and daughter came out of a building, walked some 5 meters, hailed a cab, and got it at once--right in front of us. I bet they didn't have to pray hard to get that cab which seemed almost prepared by God especially for them ahead of time. We had to wait a long time more--walked a long distance more--before a cab was finally provided us.
It always happened that way. God would provide for others first, and even seem to intentionally show us that we're treated last. Others would get the favor first, and then we'd get the "crumbs" that fell from others' table. I don't know why I--and my wife--have to suffer being treated last. And this is not just about cabs. The cabs examples here are just among other things that we get last preference for. I've experienced praying hard for things I really need (even cry for them) and not get them (or get them much, much later, being treated last), while others very easily get them without having to pray or ask God.
I've always asked God to change how our lives work. I and my wife have suffered enough. We always get last "crumb" favors, always belittled and looked down on because we lack money. I'm not asking God for millions and millions. I always ask Him for just enough to pay bills and help others and save some in the bank and invest some--and of course, to repair our dilapidated and termite-infested house. Our bed is on the floor and looks so pitifully rotten, it's got lots of insects that bite us and sometimes causes big welts that oozes puss. And yet we serve God. And those that don't get all the favors and privileges and riches, more than they need.
I've stopped believing that your hard work gets you money and riches. I've seen in God's Word that everything depends on God's nod and approval. If you get rich or financially promoted, it's not because you worked harder for it than others. It's not because you earned enough expertise and mastery about your craft or job. It's solely because God willed and approved it. Everything that happens in this world is in God's hands.
I've seen how many diligent people failed to get any riches. I've seen how many lazy people get riches out of seeming "luck." The battle is not to the swift or those with chariots and horses and good weapons. Winning and losing are all in God's hands. Thus, I've always asked God to change how my life works. I'm tired of being too needy. My wife has been making advance salaries ever since just to make ends meet. And my income is often too meager to amount to anything. I'm tired of all that. Why does God do this to us? I believe that God provides for the needs of His servants, and all that talk, and yet such things seem only happening to those who do not want to have anything to do with God. They just do their man-made religions and then God provides well for them, much, much more than they need.
My wife often tells me not to envy the rich, It's not envy. I never envy them. I don't want their lives. If God blesses them, so be it. I don't want their money or their situation. All I ask God is that he do to me all that He says and shows me in is His Word--particularly how He blesses His servants. All I ask is that He provide all our needs so that we'd stop making salary advances and borrow money or be pitied by other people or rely on them. I DON'T WANT TO RELY ON PEOPLE, even those who tithe in my ministry. I want to rely on God alone, and he can very well do this by blessing all my online websites and blogs (my tent-making), which He has not done yet--and I don't know why. He's doing it with other internet marketers who have no better things to do with their money than spend them on worldly things and brag about them; why not to me who has nothing else in heart but His Kingdom advancement on earth?
I hate relying on men. People do not ever think that tithes are not theirs. They always think that the tithes they give are their alms to God's ministers. They NEVER think that tithes are God's money for ministers. They think that when they give their tithes they're giving ministers favors. I thank God for some faithful tithers in my ministry who somewhat have an idea in their hearts that tithes are not their money. They have to return to God what's not their own. Tithes is not something you "give." It's something you return, because it's not yours.
Some of my ministry people just give tithes whenever their flesh feels like giving. They never think that minsters have bills to pay, and that these ministers ask God night and day for provisions, which they withhold. I don't rely on them. I teach them well on tithing--God knows I teach them well and properly, without sounding to be begging for their tithes. I'm not the kind of guy who'd force anything on people, or throw hints now and then to make them guilty. I believe in being like God--giving them the truth and letting them decide freely for themselves. That's among the vital principles of genuine discipleship--as Jesus did it. People should always be free to obey or disobey--then those who persevere to the last shall be saved.
Back to being always last--is this the kind of life God had pre-destined for me and my wife? We always wait for bread crumbs to fall from the table to get a little food, no matter how deep we are in Christ? God. I really want You to change how things work for us. I want You to provide well and completely...abundantly.
